She's always buzzing just like Neon......

It's been a week since I've started my "transformation" and I know I have not been doing as well as I can, especially in the past few days. One of my friends has a planned diet for me, and I've been trying to workout everyday, but unfortunately life gets in the way and messes up my plans as usual.

Before I say anything else, I want to say thank you to those who say I look fine as I am, I do appreciate it, and I am flattered, but I'm not happy.

At the end of the day I need to be able to look in the mirror and smile at who I am and how I present myself, and right now, that's not happening. I KNOW I can be more than I am, my biggest problem is that I don't have patience to wait for the changes to happen...which is another demon I need to conquer.

It will get there, I know it....my issue is that I gave myself a 30 day deadline and I can just FEEL it creeping on me faster than I expected it too.

I just want to impress people when my deadline hits....more importantly I want to impress myself...because at the end of the day...that's the person I have to answer too.

You and me baby we're stuck like glue .......

In case you haven't noticed by now, my blog titles are song lyrics, even my blog name is part of a song...it's just something I do...I feel very connected with music...does that make sense?
I feel like no matter what my mood is, even if no one understands me, I can put on the radio, my i-pod or whatever and automatically be understood. It's something, that to me, is easy. :-) And I'm okay with that.

So today was day 2 of the transformation...the transformation of my body and my determination. And workout wise...it was great....I didn't do exactly what I wanted...but I did stuff, and it felt amazing!

I am trying to be good about this...dieting and exercising....I need to prove to myself that I can do it. I know I can, I just need to focus, so while this is happening expect blogs about it.


I just need to do it, and do it right, for ME!!!


Wish me luck :-)

What's worth the price is ALWAYS worth the fight

I'm doing a 30 transformation.

That getting back to basics idea...but more involved and determined.

I need to work on my focus....and if I can focus on THIS....I know the rest will fall into place.

I'll update more later ;-)

There never will be another...

"I'm going back to basics
To where it all began
I'm ready now to face it
I wanna understand...."

~Christina A

I am sick of watching everyone else lives start. It make me sad to feel left behind, but I know it's my own fault...I'm the only one that can make my life start...why should I wait?

I realized I was a happier person when my life was much simpler. I know that when we grow up life does get complicated....but how much of it is really necessary? And how much of it is self-inflicted?

Why, as we get older, do we feel this subconscious need to make things harder than they need to be? Is it because we think it proves we're adults? That we're responsible?

I don't think so...


The more I live my life on it's current path the more I feel that all of the "over-complicated" stuff allows us to hide....from the truth. The truth being who we are, and what we want.


I don't want to live my life hiding....I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not.

I don't know what that's going to mean...but within the next few days, once work calms down (ironic I know).....I am starting my life.

Welcome to the Future...

For some reason over the past few days I've been remembering when I was at my kindergarden graduation and other random moments like that...
That day was the first time I did any public speaking..."Welcome to September, our first month and our favorite song Butterfly"...yup...that's exactly what I said. After which I walked back to my seat and my class and I sang a very adorable and fun song complete with the cutesy hand motions to go along..I'm pretty sure I could do the song now if I had/wanted to.

Back then I swore I would be married with 15 kids by the time I was 30, I'd be a famous singer, have my Jeep Wrangler and will have done so much!

Yup, I wanted so much back then....and yes...I do secretly think I can be a singer now :-)

I keep wondering what point/moment in my life did those dreams change? Oh I do still want that Wrangler!

I'm happy...for the most part but not as happy as I know I deserve to be. I look at my family...and well...I tend to get depressed.

I am very proud of all of them...but often, too often, I feel like I'm the one left behind...and I'm the oldest!

I always thought I'd have a college degree, be the first to find true love and start her own life and that I'd be close to my parents.

None of that has happened...

That's not to say that I would change where I am....but I guess...I don't know...I guess I would.

I think I do know when my life changed..I mean I think I do...
And if you know me and share my mom's point of view, you'll probably think I use what happened as an excuse instead of a reason.

I like to think I was very lucky...I went through a lot of crap, medically, in a very short amount of time...it literally hit me harder than a ton of bricks. Yes, it could have been MUCH worse, but it's still a lot to take in, even now.

I know I has left able so that I can help others and have fun. It IS my life after all is it not? I ws happy before my medical crap, but I was naive...I didn't know how much more I could have in my life, how much happier I COULD be. And I swore to myself that I would live for and in the moment. Hell, I lived the next 6 months of that year, for the most part, thinking I wasn't going to make it to my next birthday!

That being said...I have to wonder...am I still truly living for the moment?

I think I worry too much about the moment now to enjoy it....and that makes me think too much for my head to really process tonight....

Money taking, heart breaking now you wonder why women hate men

This is going to be short...


I can go to bed at least a little happy tonight...


He called.


Yup....he told me to call him today....then he called me back.

He filled me in on the past 8 weeks of his life...and it was a great conversation, one that I've missed having.

Now I'm going to climb into my bed and sleep for a few hours......but I don't mind if sleep is short tonight, because I know I will be smiling.




And so the cycle continues...




In other, non-love life related news....

I went to NYC over the weekend...and I need to do that more often.

I need to do more for me more often.

I need more of me more often.


That's all for now.....sweet dreams!

I do not feel ashamed...

I am in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

There I said it...


And it's the truth.


I've loved him from the first time I saw him....and while he became one of my best friends...and has been a friend for years...that's all it's been.

It's complicated in a "My Best Friend's Wedding" sort of way....but no matter how much he may unintentionally hurt me, and how much I want to cut myself off from him....I can't.

It feels like my heart won't let me. Plus, when I finally to cut him off (delete #s, remove from facebook, email, etc) he always comes back...no matter how long it may have been.

I could see myself marrying him, which I know is crazy, and you don't expect that from any one over the age of 15, but it's true.

Despite the fact that I've dated others and sworn off men...he's always there...and...ugh...

What kills me more than the constant heartbreak, is the issue of settling.

I've always considered myself a woman that doesn't settle....be it in jobs, friends, fun, family etc....If I'm not happy why should I accept what's keeping me from being happy?
Who's to say that I am meant to do, live and meet everything, everyone and every place I already have been?

That's what I mean by settling.

So, here's the "I love him, he doesn't love me" part...

My heart has insanely strong feelings, he makes me happy, but he makes me miserable....am I settling for him or am I going after what I truely want?

I don't quite know if that is the right way to try and explain it at the moment, but it's the best I can do.

He just, makes me want to be better, do more, and just improve me. It's a weird motivation that I seem to only get from him....I don't know how to find THAT in myself.

Maybe that is the real problem...

Oh my...

I think THAT may have to wait until the next post...

But how to you turn your heart off?

I've always said you can't control who you love.....but what do you do when, despite everything, they don't love you back?