We’ve been singing Billie Jean, Mixin’ vodka with caffeine....

Lately I've been going through some annoying personal stuff...mostly involving the guys (or lack there-of) in my life.

That being said, I know that right now I really shouldn't have anything remotely serious in my life...despite how much I may want it. I also have been interested in various guys, for various reasons I cannot really explain.

I am a believer that everyone comes into my life for a reason, no matter how long or short their time may be. Because of that belief I try really hard to take advantage of my gut feelings about people so I can get whatever experience I can from them.

With all of this I recently told a friend of mine about the guy(s) I was interested in getting to know better and she told me not too. Then asked if I was interested because I am lonely.

Now, knowing this friend, I wasn't offended or anything...as I know she only means the best, however I started thinking...why would a mid-20 something woman being interested in different guys mean she lonely and not just looking to date?

I need to have new people in my life....does that classify me as being "lonely" or just looking for a new opportunity?

I just cant't get the idea out of my head that being lonely is a bad thing...


In other news...

My nursing classes are over....2 finals to get through and the semester is done.

Also...

It's been a rough week that has me wondering...why is it that only when someone is dying or close to death do people step up and help them experience the life they dream of?

I'm not, in ANY way knocking down the people that do that...because it is an amazing thing...

But why does it take the possibility of death to get people motivated?

I know I'm naive, but I would really hope that people could treat other that well because that's how life should be...perhaps it's me trying to get in the holiday spirit...but just imagine how much different everyone's lives would be if we all helped someone else, stranger or otherwise, live the life they dream of...

~K

The rest is still unwritten.....

I have to say something...

I am a work-aholic.

I know I work a lot. I thrive off it. It's a bad addiction.

I know that when I'm at work and doing what I seem to do well I "fake it with confidence" very well. I like having responsibility, doing things for others and learning.

There's a reason for it.

For why I stay busy.

I can't handle being alone.

I don't know what to do with myself, my thoughts...me.

I know I'm not happy with my life, I'm no where NEAR where I'd be by this point.
I'm going to be 27 in a few weeks, and while I know to a lot of people it's young, but as my little brother says---YOU'RE OLD!!!

I would at least like to be on my own, not living in the garage above my dad's man-cave. I would like to have a career I could survive on and someone special in my life.

I know those are pretty typical complaints of twenty-somethings all over but to me...well it's a lot.

I feel like I'm finally getting slightly more comfortable in my own skin, but there's definitely something missing.

I keep thinking I know what "something" is but when I think I figure it out and fill it....it's still empty.

I hate being alone...I told you that right?

I hijacked a rainbow and crashed into a pot of gold...

I thought that since it's been a couple weeks I'd write a decent update for you...and there's a lot of good this time around :-)

1st--

School is going great! I gave my first shot on an actual person and nothing bad happened! I am still nervous about a lot of things but I'm getting more at ease which is great. I'm just trying to stay focused for a few more weeks then I can take a break :-)

2--

I'm singing for the first time in public this weekend. I don't mean karaoke or anything like that. Skeeter Creek, this pretty awesome local country band,is having a Halloween Party and invited me to sing with them, which I think is VERY brave since they've never heard me before! It was going to be just one song, but as of this morning, there's now a duet added to it! Which is VERY VERY exciting for me (cause I've always wanted to do this) but soooo scary! I'm just hoping my voice sounds ok...I know that it used to be decent...but it's not the same anymore :-\

But--you should definitely come out and have fun and watch me embarrass myself!
It's at Buckboards in Malta and kicks off @ 8pm. Costumes are optional, but encouraged ;-)

3--

I'm on week 3 of my diet and I have made a good amount of progress :-) Here's the run down--Lost 5lbs, 3 1/2inches off my chest, 4 3/4 inches in my hips and 3% body fat...I'm not where I want to be but I'm definitely on my way :-D


Ok I think that's good for now..back to some homework!


<3 always

I'm taking my freedom, Putting it in my car, Wherever I choose to go, It will take me far...

Hey All!

Happy October!

So I know it has been a couple (more) weeks since I wrote anything, but, as always, it's been crazy.

It's midterm time @ school and so far so good. I'm doing well, although not as I would like...I'm passing everything with flying colors, and that's the most important part.

I hate my full-time job. I love my residents, and most of the people I work with but the hours, the b.s, and usual work politics are just not longer worth the stress, my health or the pay.

That being said, I have applied for new jobs, specifically one at a local hospital that would be much better for me since I am in nursing school. So I'm really crossing my fingers! In the mean time...I'll just keep looking..

As far as the radio stuff goes...

I've been back on JAMZ a few times in the past couple week ( :-D ), I now do nights on 100.3 the Point and I'm still on 104.9 The Cat on Sunday nights. I love having things do to....I feel needed/wanted..and it's just a great feeling....a change from my other mood.

In other news at the station...

I'm doing a great thing with Gold's Gym...the 30-Day Solution.

I've been on a diet for 2 weeks, and up til me getting sick this week I've been working out 4-5 days a week.
The best things about this---I've been feeling better about me and seeing results!!

I've done lots of different group exercise classes and having so much fun!

Feel free to ask me if you have questions about it....i <3 it!!

Anyway...in the mean time...I am trying to rid my body of a horrible sinus infection so my hard work isn't lost and I can get back on track.

Back to bed for me....

comments/thoughts/etc are always welcome :-)

I'mma be I'mma be I'mma I'mma I'mma be...

I apologize for the neglect of a new blog in almost 2 weeks...school has been kicking my butt and so has work (both jobs!)

I have a lot of new and exciting things going on in my life and you will know all about it very very shortly...I promise...

One major thing that I am SUPER excited about will be shared with everyone...on a whole new level for me...and will allow me to get up close and personal with even more people...I'm so happy about it...although I cannot give you specifics just yet. Sorry!

I just hope, once I can share, you will be here to support me, and so much more!

That's all for now...

Back to the homework grind!

I'm burnt out, I've had enough...

Over the past couple weeks I have been doing a lot of heavy handed thinking....if that even makes sense. I cannot seem to write what I want to say down in complete thoughts or paragraphs....I only seem to have success with lists...

I deserve and want someone who loves me NOW...not someone that is with me because it's convenient for them or because I have some how talked them into it...

I want to be happy...whether that means living somewhere else, working in a different way or starting from scratch..I want to be happy and I need it to be on my terms...

I need to be proud of me...in every way...the way I look, act, sound, work, play, etc...everything...

I want a job that doesn't have me working when the rest of the people in my life are not....

I want to have something to show for all the education I have received (in and out of the classroom)...

I want friends that I can count on no matter what's happening, where we are or who we're with...

I need my freedom...

I want to be an adult...to not live with my parents and to be me...

I want a job where I'm recognized and rewarded for the work I do...

I need a car...one that I bought with MY money...

I need to trust my gut..

I need to have more willpower....

I need to find me..


And to those of you that cannot bother to call, or are not "on the same level" as me...well consider this goodbye.

I deserve much better than what I have been settling for...and getting rid of you is step 1 in getting there

You can't stop my shine...

Did you ever reach a point in your life where you think you may actually end up happy, and getting what you want?

What do you do? How do you handle it?

I'm not saying that I think I'm going to get what I have wanted for so long, but something in my gut and in my heart...I don't know....it's...twitching.

Yes, that's the word...twitching.

Like something's about to happen, but you don't know when or how....but it's coming.

School started this week, and maybe it's because I did half of this semester last year and I'm a bit ahead of the game, but I feel much more confident than I did last year. I feel like it's truly the right time.

Here's hoping this works out. I need to "spread my wings" for lack of better words.

I love my family and where I've grown up but I've spent my whole life here...I'm ready for more.

Speaking of more...

On my vacation I realized a lot...specifically that I would/could walk away from my current life and be okay with it...I think I'd be really happy. But only if I could have my vacation life be my real life.

That is a whole other complicating blog.

I just finally know what I REALLY want....and unfortunately, I want it now.

I mean I know I have to wait....I have a year until I'm done with school so I can't do anything yet, but waiting to see "what life has in store" is killing me slowly.

Light up your face with gladness....

Ok....so let me get this out of the way first, because I know there are people out there who are dying to know...

I took my first ever solo vacation this past weekend. I went to the Jersey Shore...and it was so amazing and exactly what I needed.

And that's all I am going to say about that....so for now....please don't ask.

On the other hand, I had my first day of classes today, and I love feeling like I know what I'm doing.
Yea, I know it's because of last year, but having this type of confidence/comfort starting off will hopefully help me out long term this time around.

I, as always, have a lot on my head...things I'm thinking about walking away from, things I want to do more of, etc....

When I get where I'm going....

I had orientation for school and I'm excited but very nervous because I know what I'm in for, and I'm not as prepared as I had hoped I'd be. So we shall see how it goes...

However,

I am having medical issues again, and while I know me and how I tend to over-react, but....you just know when something isn't right in you're own body. I have some tests next week...and will hopefully know something before my vacation next week. In the mean time...I'm just trying not to run through too many "what-if" scenarios. So I apologize in advance if I'm a bit on edge or anything the next few days.....

In other news...my vacation is next Friday...and I'm still excited but now...I'm just planning on drinking my worries away (and yes...I know how bad that sounds....but it's been too long since I've had a life like that--it's allowed). I just hope I have fun...although I'm not expecting as much as I hoped.

I will update when I know more....but for now...it's just a "survival-ish" type mood.

there's an emptiness inside her....

I am a very confused woman these days.

I'm supposed to start school again.....but something doesn't feel right.

I want to have a life, but I feel like I'm forcing myself to go to nursing school for everyone but me. I've never been an academic person and, while I like helping people, I don't feel like it's really right for me. I just can't picture it.

I do want to be successful and have things, but I want to be happy. And right now I can't see nursing doing that for me.

I know I need to look at the bigger picture but I also feel like every time I take a step towards being a nurse something gets in the way or happens to stop me. Because I'm me I can't help but think that events like that are for a reason....

Maybe God/the universe/whatever is trying to tell me not to do it.


It just doesn't feel right

She's always buzzing just like Neon......

It's been a week since I've started my "transformation" and I know I have not been doing as well as I can, especially in the past few days. One of my friends has a planned diet for me, and I've been trying to workout everyday, but unfortunately life gets in the way and messes up my plans as usual.

Before I say anything else, I want to say thank you to those who say I look fine as I am, I do appreciate it, and I am flattered, but I'm not happy.

At the end of the day I need to be able to look in the mirror and smile at who I am and how I present myself, and right now, that's not happening. I KNOW I can be more than I am, my biggest problem is that I don't have patience to wait for the changes to happen...which is another demon I need to conquer.

It will get there, I know it....my issue is that I gave myself a 30 day deadline and I can just FEEL it creeping on me faster than I expected it too.

I just want to impress people when my deadline hits....more importantly I want to impress myself...because at the end of the day...that's the person I have to answer too.

You and me baby we're stuck like glue .......

In case you haven't noticed by now, my blog titles are song lyrics, even my blog name is part of a song...it's just something I do...I feel very connected with music...does that make sense?
I feel like no matter what my mood is, even if no one understands me, I can put on the radio, my i-pod or whatever and automatically be understood. It's something, that to me, is easy. :-) And I'm okay with that.

So today was day 2 of the transformation...the transformation of my body and my determination. And workout wise...it was great....I didn't do exactly what I wanted...but I did stuff, and it felt amazing!

I am trying to be good about this...dieting and exercising....I need to prove to myself that I can do it. I know I can, I just need to focus, so while this is happening expect blogs about it.


I just need to do it, and do it right, for ME!!!


Wish me luck :-)

What's worth the price is ALWAYS worth the fight

I'm doing a 30 transformation.

That getting back to basics idea...but more involved and determined.

I need to work on my focus....and if I can focus on THIS....I know the rest will fall into place.

I'll update more later ;-)

There never will be another...

"I'm going back to basics
To where it all began
I'm ready now to face it
I wanna understand...."

~Christina A

I am sick of watching everyone else lives start. It make me sad to feel left behind, but I know it's my own fault...I'm the only one that can make my life start...why should I wait?

I realized I was a happier person when my life was much simpler. I know that when we grow up life does get complicated....but how much of it is really necessary? And how much of it is self-inflicted?

Why, as we get older, do we feel this subconscious need to make things harder than they need to be? Is it because we think it proves we're adults? That we're responsible?

I don't think so...


The more I live my life on it's current path the more I feel that all of the "over-complicated" stuff allows us to hide....from the truth. The truth being who we are, and what we want.


I don't want to live my life hiding....I refuse to pretend to be something I'm not.

I don't know what that's going to mean...but within the next few days, once work calms down (ironic I know).....I am starting my life.

Welcome to the Future...

For some reason over the past few days I've been remembering when I was at my kindergarden graduation and other random moments like that...
That day was the first time I did any public speaking..."Welcome to September, our first month and our favorite song Butterfly"...yup...that's exactly what I said. After which I walked back to my seat and my class and I sang a very adorable and fun song complete with the cutesy hand motions to go along..I'm pretty sure I could do the song now if I had/wanted to.

Back then I swore I would be married with 15 kids by the time I was 30, I'd be a famous singer, have my Jeep Wrangler and will have done so much!

Yup, I wanted so much back then....and yes...I do secretly think I can be a singer now :-)

I keep wondering what point/moment in my life did those dreams change? Oh I do still want that Wrangler!

I'm happy...for the most part but not as happy as I know I deserve to be. I look at my family...and well...I tend to get depressed.

I am very proud of all of them...but often, too often, I feel like I'm the one left behind...and I'm the oldest!

I always thought I'd have a college degree, be the first to find true love and start her own life and that I'd be close to my parents.

None of that has happened...

That's not to say that I would change where I am....but I guess...I don't know...I guess I would.

I think I do know when my life changed..I mean I think I do...
And if you know me and share my mom's point of view, you'll probably think I use what happened as an excuse instead of a reason.

I like to think I was very lucky...I went through a lot of crap, medically, in a very short amount of time...it literally hit me harder than a ton of bricks. Yes, it could have been MUCH worse, but it's still a lot to take in, even now.

I know I has left able so that I can help others and have fun. It IS my life after all is it not? I ws happy before my medical crap, but I was naive...I didn't know how much more I could have in my life, how much happier I COULD be. And I swore to myself that I would live for and in the moment. Hell, I lived the next 6 months of that year, for the most part, thinking I wasn't going to make it to my next birthday!

That being said...I have to wonder...am I still truly living for the moment?

I think I worry too much about the moment now to enjoy it....and that makes me think too much for my head to really process tonight....

Money taking, heart breaking now you wonder why women hate men

This is going to be short...


I can go to bed at least a little happy tonight...


He called.


Yup....he told me to call him today....then he called me back.

He filled me in on the past 8 weeks of his life...and it was a great conversation, one that I've missed having.

Now I'm going to climb into my bed and sleep for a few hours......but I don't mind if sleep is short tonight, because I know I will be smiling.




And so the cycle continues...




In other, non-love life related news....

I went to NYC over the weekend...and I need to do that more often.

I need to do more for me more often.

I need more of me more often.


That's all for now.....sweet dreams!

I do not feel ashamed...

I am in love with someone who doesn't love me back.

There I said it...


And it's the truth.


I've loved him from the first time I saw him....and while he became one of my best friends...and has been a friend for years...that's all it's been.

It's complicated in a "My Best Friend's Wedding" sort of way....but no matter how much he may unintentionally hurt me, and how much I want to cut myself off from him....I can't.

It feels like my heart won't let me. Plus, when I finally to cut him off (delete #s, remove from facebook, email, etc) he always comes back...no matter how long it may have been.

I could see myself marrying him, which I know is crazy, and you don't expect that from any one over the age of 15, but it's true.

Despite the fact that I've dated others and sworn off men...he's always there...and...ugh...

What kills me more than the constant heartbreak, is the issue of settling.

I've always considered myself a woman that doesn't settle....be it in jobs, friends, fun, family etc....If I'm not happy why should I accept what's keeping me from being happy?
Who's to say that I am meant to do, live and meet everything, everyone and every place I already have been?

That's what I mean by settling.

So, here's the "I love him, he doesn't love me" part...

My heart has insanely strong feelings, he makes me happy, but he makes me miserable....am I settling for him or am I going after what I truely want?

I don't quite know if that is the right way to try and explain it at the moment, but it's the best I can do.

He just, makes me want to be better, do more, and just improve me. It's a weird motivation that I seem to only get from him....I don't know how to find THAT in myself.

Maybe that is the real problem...

Oh my...

I think THAT may have to wait until the next post...

But how to you turn your heart off?

I've always said you can't control who you love.....but what do you do when, despite everything, they don't love you back?

Doesn't really matter what the eye can see...

First---Happy Father's Day!!
At my house it's low-key this year since Dad isn't home...but I am definitely enjoying the calm house :-)

I realized that I have a problem when it comes to this...
I can't pick ONE single topic/idea/issue to write about...I mean...I can think of plenty...but when I write I'm a bit scattered...and although I will be working on it here...for a while I may be writing about a number of things...hope you can follow along.

I can't believe this summer has actually started. I have a lot of things I'd like to do....road trip it to boston to visit a friend, roadtrip just to go somewhere, hike, lose some weight (just so I'm happy with it), and maybe learn to cook something other than pasta.

I am also realizing that I work A LOT. I don't think I would mind if my paycheck would show it or if the job(s) themselves would reflect it.

So I have decided that I'm not going to do more than I have to. I love my work, but I need my sanity. Eventually you get sick of having to prove yourself, your passion, and your abilities over and over again. I also can't stand when the "Survivor" show seems to be happening at work.
If you truely are a professional adult in a working environment, high school-esq drama should not happen, you should be able to hold a conversation with you're co-workers about issues, ideas, etc...if not....you need to go back to high school because that is the only place that behavoir is allowed.

But that, my friends, is another blog...

Back to my summer dreams...

My problem with those plans is that I keep waiting...

I can't figure out why...I always have an excuse-don't know where I'm going, no one to go with, not enough time, don't know what I'll do when I get there, no money, have to work, etc...

I always hate/regret not going, but something keeps holding me back..

How do you get past that roadblock?

That, my friends, is my current delema...

Every bit as funny as she is smart...

Hello all!

After getting the suggestion/idea from my friend Whit I decided to try this blogging thing.
I did it for a while during my angsty teen years, but life got in the way and well...here I am.

I am 26 years old, in nursing school studying for my LPN, I work part time (although it doesn't feel it) at a radio station, and I am very antsy to start my life.

Yes, I do still live with my folks, but hopefully, as much as I love them, that will change in the next year or so.

I don't have much right now...but ask questions! Tell me what you want to know..I'm very open so ask and you shall (or may) recieve!

~K